The Bachelor Buzz: Week 3
Alright, folks. So in case you forgot, last week's episode ended with Liz and her aggressive back tattoo getting the boot during the group date. This was because Liz and Nick did the dirty 9 months ago at Jade and Tanner's wedding. ICYMI, Liz and Nick had sex at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Nick doesn't believe that Liz is here for the right reasons, so he sends her packing.
The Rose Ceremony
So, we start off this week's episode with Nick having to confess his sins to the rest of the women, and they are shocked. Surprise! The tears start flowing and doubt begins to take over the entire Bachelor mansion. This went down 9 months ago and these girls are acting like it happened yesterday. Did they not watch Andi or Kaitlyn's season? Because I'm pretty sure he very publicly put his D in their V. Gosh, I can't wait to find out how they react when we get to the week of the infamous Fantasy Suite dates.
Throughout the entire cocktail party, Nick faces the firing squad with the girls asking questions about Liz who, by the way, isn't even there anymore. Corinne, however, has something else in mind. This genius decides that it is a good idea to seduce Nick with lingerie, a trench coat, and a can of Cool Whip. The poor guy doesn't even know what to do with himself as she puts whipped cream on her left boob and, like the multi-million dollar business owner that she is, demands that he lick it off. You can tell that Nick is quite uncomfortable, but he doesn't want to make her feel like the idiot that she is either. The rest of this very unsexy scene plays out and by the end Corinne realizes that this did not go according to plan. Crash. And. Burn.
Corinne cries. With mascara running down her face, she exclaims, "I just want to go home!" Well Corinne...you can go. Please, go back home to your nanny where she has a warm bottle of milk waiting for you. And some perfectly sliced cucumbers. More on that later.
Surprise, surprise. Princess Corinne decides she can't possibly face Nick after her whipped cream disaster and decides that it is best for her to go to sleep instead of attend the Rose Ceremony. A few of the girls get sent home. I don't know who they are. So let's continue...
Group Date #1: Backstreet's Back, Alright!
Not gonna lie, I was an N'Sync fan. But this is still one of the coolest dates in Bachelor history. First, the entire house gets serenaded by the Backstreet Boys to "I Want it that Way." Then, a select few get to perform with the boy band at a live show in LA! What?! Seriously. I am so jealous. The lucky bitches are Danielle L., Corinne, Kristina, Christen, Whitney, Taylor, and Jasmine.
Most of the date is spent rehearsing. Jasmine obviously does great considering she is Steph Curry's backup dancer. Corinne, on the other hand, struggled a little. And by a little, I mean a lot. You would think that a girl who openly claims to be great at sex would be a bit more in touch with her body. Anyways, she pouts in the corner and cries because she isn't good at "planned dancing."
When it comes to performance time, BSB decides that Danielle L. did the best job, so she gets to slow dance with Nick on stage in front of 500 people and the rest of the girls. This sounds super cool and romantic, but is really just awkward. Mainly because Nick has no clue what to do with his hands.
The second half of the date wasn't too eventful. The most memorable part was that it was filmed at the Carondelet House, which is where one of my lifelong friends got married. The second most memorable part was learning more about Corinne's nanny, Raquel. I can't decide if this woman has the worst job in the world or the best job in the world, as her duties consist of waking Corinne up in the morning, making her bed, brewing coffee, slicing cucumbers, and making cheese pasta, which I think is a fancy way of saying macaroni and cheese.
One-on-One Date: Astropuke
The chosen one for this week's one-on-one date is Vanessa, the Canadian special ed teacher. My Final Rose pick and the one who is way too good for Nick. They get to go on what is my worst nightmare of a date- a zero gravity airplane. It is basically a hollowed out airplane that goes up and down and up and down in the sky in order to simulate what astronauts experience in outer space.
The date starts out great. But then our favorite Vanessa says that she is getting nauseous. We see her holding in her puke like a girl at the club running to the bathroom. A barf bag, and then another one, appear out of nowhere as she throws up in a way that was so dainty I didn't think was possible. Nick, being the gentleman that he is, comforts her and kisses her like she didn't just heave up her avocado toast and mimosa from that morning. Yum.
Next, they go to the tallest building in all of Los Angeles and they pretend to have a romantic dinner on the roof. They talk. Things get emo when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Nick starts crying like a little bitch. I'm all for guys showing their sensitive side and shedding some man tears, but dude, why are you crying?? Seriously. Why. They hug, they kiss, she gets the rose.
Group Date #2: Nickathalon
Compared to the ladies who got the BSB group date, these girls for sure got the short end of the stick. The girls who get to go on this date are Astrid, Rachel, DolphinShark, Jaimi, Dominique, Brittany, and Sarah. The "famous people" they get to meet on the date are a few track and field Olympians. No disrespect to these athletes, but ABC got the Backstreet Boys for the other date and couldn't even get like Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte?
Anyways, the girls compete in a series of track and field events, like the long jump, high jump, and the 100-meter dash. The ultimate winner gets to spend some extra time in her sweaty workout clothes in a hot tub with Nick. Rachel should have won. But due to a minor slip up, Astrid and her unsupportive sports bra won the hot tub date.
During the evening portion of the date, Dominique (who?) goes girl cray on Nick because he apparently didn't realize she was discouraged with the track and field events. Nick goes "whoa girl, I can't deal with you" and sends homegirl packing.
In lieu of a cocktail party this week, Chris Harrison announces that they will be having a pool party instead. The girls begin frantically putting on the tiniest bikinis possible, the most amount of makeup possible, and start doing squats to get that butt pump in.
Corinne, of course, feels like she needs to make up for that whipped cream debacle by ordering a pink castle bounce house. I mean, I guess she had to think of something for them to do because she doesn't know how to talk to him like a normal person. They make out and dry hump each other in the pink castle that was built for 6-year-olds. The other girls watch as this goes down, and they are not having it.
In particular, Vanessa, rightfully so, is extra pissed and is not afraid to lay down the law. The episode ends with her saying, "I'm not judging Corinne's actions, I'm judging yours. Are you looking for a wife, or are you looking for someone to fuck around with?" She gives him *this look* and we see Nick's heart sink down into his asshole and his balls shrivel up like raisins.